I hate those days....

When it bothers me that I'm single... it really shouldn't cause i have plenty to figure out... but some days it does... I'm i hope that a guy that's good for me actually exists.... I'm not necessarily looking for perfection, but pretty darn close.... hey love... come find me... I'm missing you today....

dream man... and good things to come.....

as i think back on my history of dreams... i don't remember dreaming much of a man i actually get to be with in my dreams.... they usually leave me... but in my dream last night he didn't.... it was pretty great.... I'm looking forward to finding him for reals... he just suit me well.... complimented me perfectly so i hope he really exists.... he didn't really resemble any of the guys i know... but it truly was the type of love and relationship i hope to really find someday... i felt safe and love and valued and appreciated.... I'm clinging to this Mormon message i saw in nienie's blog... i hope one day to meet her and be one of her best friends.... she's awesome....

This Is My Dream!!!

My friend Kat sent me this picture and I've decided its what NEED to accomplish before I die... Its Paris in a Hot Air Balloon.... I need to tour all of Europe though in one....

I saw one of these on Saturday... far in the distance between 2 mountains during my break at work... I'm so glad i looked up and noticed it.... it was so beautiful and....

made me long to do this!!! hopefully one day.... Ive wanted to ride in one since i was a little girl... maybe ill find a sweet partner in crime to make it happen....

doesn't new mexico have a festival for them?...

i love retro!!!

i saw a girl at work today wearing a retro tomorrow land shirt.... it was black and i wish i could of stolen it from her.... retro and disney together .... it doesnt get much better....

for the record...

im using this blog to try to document things and sometimes when im sad or just not feeling mysef i ramble.... and im sorry if i say mean things... i dont mean them.... they just come out....

time just moves too fast...

i know i know... i totally disappeared.... I've been busy with work and the crew

(you know Nam, brad and sometimes Jared).... there's life beyond blogger....haha I've had lots and lots of shifts... keeping busy and usually i just come home and want to crash.... lets see what have i done since June 6.... this might not be in order.... hmm....

last week i went to see Larry glewiz(forever strong) speak at the sandy institute... its a fireside/class called forum on Wednesday nights... its really cool!!! the week before we heard brother Anderson speak and the following Sunday we heard him again(summer summit fireside)... i need to get better about remembering to write down what i did...

on Friday we went to the PG strawberry days rodeo... it was super fun!!! and the strawberries and cream were awesome... i had the brilliant idea to park at Nina's house and walk from there.... it wasn't my greatest plan but it wasn't so bad... it was hot but it was nice... better than the pourid rain last year... the whole family went minus the Pena's plus the Ol's and weavers and christian... he counts as family though.... on the walk over mom said she forgot snacks so Nam and i stopped at Walgreen's to get some licorice and water..... brad met us later....it was seriously so awesome although i was kinda distracted with Charlotte....my friend Lacey's husband did the wild cow milking... it was a really fun night.... although i do miss the original one arm bandit... his daughter took over....

on Saturday we went to the Manti pageant... it was super cool and i took a few pics....there was only one protester... what a dork... there were a few things that stuck out to me....first i thought it was really cool that brad's friend Eric was king Lamoni....i really liked the part that had to do with the title of liberty and the promise that we would be OK so long as there were people who believed and love the lord.... i really loved the part where they sang a poor wayfaring man... it makes me teary.... its just so over whelming that Joseph smith sacrificed so much so that we could know and have the truth today....

i also loved the part where they lit up the tower that the angel Moroni is traditionally on and there was a person dressed like him with his trumpet and all..... and the ending was amazing.... they had all these people dressed in white on the hill side next to the temple... and i only got one mosquito bite! did you know there are a few temples that don't have the spires or the angel Moroni on top... to name a few... manti, Hawaii, Arizona...

on Sunday we had stake conference to reorganize the stake presidency cause pres Godwin is going to serve as a mission pres in San bernardino in Cali lucky man.... its funny cause everyone thought he would be in longer but elder Ballard put his name on a list and he was called... our new pres is pres Anderson who was recently called as second counselor to replace pres Wilson.... moms been making me walk with her in the mornings.... i hate it but i go cause i don't want to get any bigger.... anyway Sunday was also fathers day but i gave dad his present the day before....it was a sweet tie... he didn't wear it though so i told Alex to... anyway we had mike and Emily and brad and the Pena's and Terry's and christian over... it was really fun.... christian told me about his plan to possibly join the army.... i wish i could find a guy like that.... funny and nice and with a plan.... charlotte is learning how to hold her bottle all by herself!!! shes growing too fast....

on june 30th mom and i are goin to see eclipse with the free tickets i won from kneaders... yay!!!

needs some disney magic,,,,

today this song helps a little...

where do i go from here....

i guess i don't care anymore how happy bitter sad lame crazy mean heartless or whatever else you want to call it i sound.... today was OK but ill tell you about the sucky parts... for starters its obvious that my siblings don't really have much respect for me... i give and give and they just take and don't really care... I'm 25, live at home, drive a borrowed car, work at a job that pays minimum wage and don't really have a plan... I'm extremely over weight... i have nothing going for me.... i have a group of friend that will most likely find someone with in the next 2 years.... and ill still be here.... growing more and more bitter as the years pass because once i taste something delicious i need more of it... i had set a goal to go through the temple but that date had to be moved cause i wasn't really ready... i considered a mission but was discouraged by a couple people... the best thing seems to just go out and do things cause if i ask for input or think about it too long i never do it... i just came to the realisation that maybe my mom is partially right.... maybe i do need to lose a hefty amount of heft... the skin deep beauty that so many talk of has been buried my the self dislike, abuse and lbs and lbs of fat Ive tried to hide myself behind... because in all truth i don't think i like who i am and i don't know if i ever did... I'm an ugly unhappy person... good things happen to me... but they're not the good things i think i want and hope will change this unhappiness... for one thing men just don't like me... i think the fat is part of it but the bitterness and distrust probably don't help either...someone once told me that the reason things never worked out for me was because i was manipulative... i really don't know how true that is but shes no longer one of my acquaintances... i want really hard to be one of those kind inclusive friendly people... but i struggle... if i don't like myself how is anyone supposed to like me... the only person i feel relatively human around is a friend from work... we can talk about anything... i wish more people... especially of the single variety existed like him.... hopefully this gets better tomorrow....

in my opinion....

step parents suck.... don't make your kids go through that... they never love them as much as they love their own and then they just see your kids as a hindrance.... i miss my job today.... at least its a sort of escape there... i just want to be loved... i want a place where i actually feel at home.... i want to find that joy that I'm supposed to have.... obviously this place isn't where I'm to find it.... things just seem more and more hopeless... i keep reaching for hope but its just like a ribbon slipping through my fingers.... sometimes i wonder if that's what my grandmother was looking for when she decided to leave...I asked my mom why my grandpa is marrying this useless woman... if he even loved her and she said that marriage for older people is different... its for companionship... i don't think "loneliness" is a good reason to marry.... my step dad has brought lots of good things into our lives... but at the price of always treating us like we owe him... hes grumpy and rude and doesn't believe in apologizing so i don't do it either.... I'm just so done with being sad most the time.... cant something change already?...

change isnt always good...

My Mom just told me that my grandfather has decided to remarry... July 14th is the big day... I'm not planning on going... you see... this will be to me like having a parent remarry again for the second time... I've already had to experience my mom's remarriage... i learned to get along with my dad... but seriously i don't want a new grandma... old people should just stay single... or why couldn't he just find a nice white lady... in any case... this has just put a damper on my week.... i wish i could just go somewhere and start fresh... be worth something...