where do i go from here....

i guess i don't care anymore how happy bitter sad lame crazy mean heartless or whatever else you want to call it i sound.... today was OK but ill tell you about the sucky parts... for starters its obvious that my siblings don't really have much respect for me... i give and give and they just take and don't really care... I'm 25, live at home, drive a borrowed car, work at a job that pays minimum wage and don't really have a plan... I'm extremely over weight... i have nothing going for me.... i have a group of friend that will most likely find someone with in the next 2 years.... and ill still be here.... growing more and more bitter as the years pass because once i taste something delicious i need more of it... i had set a goal to go through the temple but that date had to be moved cause i wasn't really ready... i considered a mission but was discouraged by a couple people... the best thing seems to just go out and do things cause if i ask for input or think about it too long i never do it... i just came to the realisation that maybe my mom is partially right.... maybe i do need to lose a hefty amount of heft... the skin deep beauty that so many talk of has been buried my the self dislike, abuse and lbs and lbs of fat Ive tried to hide myself behind... because in all truth i don't think i like who i am and i don't know if i ever did... I'm an ugly unhappy person... good things happen to me... but they're not the good things i think i want and hope will change this unhappiness... for one thing men just don't like me... i think the fat is part of it but the bitterness and distrust probably don't help either...someone once told me that the reason things never worked out for me was because i was manipulative... i really don't know how true that is but shes no longer one of my acquaintances... i want really hard to be one of those kind inclusive friendly people... but i struggle... if i don't like myself how is anyone supposed to like me... the only person i feel relatively human around is a friend from work... we can talk about anything... i wish more people... especially of the single variety existed like him.... hopefully this gets better tomorrow....