dreams...

so growing up(more Like Senior Year...) we moved to Utah... i was pretty ready for a change.... and the first week to our highland ward we made friends... they were mostly guys... two of them became my best friends... (i think they mostly liked to some eat our food... hehe ;) ) anyway... one of them i was super in love with... and because of that i would tell him anything... except for how much i loved him...i was there for him through so many things... and even though he tried to be the same for me he never really was.... he went on his mission and I wrote him quite often...he started calling me pet names and telling me he loved me etc...then one day his mom told me not to write him anymore... I'm pretty sure it was 3 months before he was to come home...then he came home (i wasn't able to see him for a few days...)then he left to go to school, met a girl. was convinced she was "the One"(she had the whole family's approval, unlike me) married her... they got pregnant right away... i warned him that if he got married our friendship would be over... one of our friends tried to convince me to come to the reception and i refused and didn't... not even 2 years later here i am helping him through his divorce... but its different this time... I'm not as committed and focused as i was before... my family would love it if i married him... but i don't want it anymore... its just not the same... i don't feel the same... hes a good guy but i want something different... last night i had a dream that he asked me to consider dating him... i didn't want to but i started to try and i realized that to him i was always second best... he never treated me the way he did girls he thought were attractive... i don't want to be the unattractive wife... i just feel too differently... too in a way resentful... maybe its more like hurt... i gave him everything and it didn't matter... what bothered me most about the dream is that he was nice and held my hand and all that but when it came to other women he would open doors for them etc... the point of the story is that as much as i want an eternal family and a baby... i don't want whatever falls into my lap... I want the best i can get... i want to be seen even when I'm invisible...