There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man. ~Winston Churchill

The last 2 Sunday afternoons Amanda and I have spent helping brad with his horse chores.... i took a few pictures this time around... but not of all my new grand horsey friends.... ill post more soon... this is a fun Sunday afternoon past time... although i think we get in brads way more than help... hahah

wrangler... hes a little stiff so he has to be walked...

wrangler's beautiful eye... it looks firey but you cant really tell...

solimonte(eclipse)

Hella(Frost)

Bus Bus... the most beautiful blonde

Maxi(maxipad.. haha) he was a little camera shy...

I belong to the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Days Saints... I know who I am...

I know God's Plan I'll Follow it in faith... I'm so grateful to have the true church on the earth and I my life and to have been born into it... I am also grateful for the strong faithful men who lead us... the light in the darkness... the world today can be so overwhelming but the truthfulness of the True Gospel is so comforting!!!

Roller coasters have never been my fave...

This week has not been one of my faves.... i think one of the guys thinks i like him... which is eewww.... never!! anyway as i wrote before he was not the nicest about it(even if it were true...which it really isn't... have i mentioned that?)... and the rift has only grown bigger... i cant trust him now.... and to be honest my respect for him is beginning to diminish... i just cant be friends with guys that think i like them and freak out about it... I'm a cute girl... being fat should not be a freak out factor... anyway... to make matters worse... i got a letter from the IRS yesterday saying there was an error in my taxes and i owed about $400 instead of getting the $200 back i was supposed to... men did that put a damper on my day... in addition to that earlier in the day my favorite judge was rushed to the hospital do to his pancreas issues... i love that man a lot... he's so kind... it would of been nice to be part of that family... he had enough sons to go around... but they're happy with their wives...:) anyway... things are kinda looking up... i went and talked to my tax guy and he said everything looked fine... so i called the IRS and got it all figured out and i get my tax return after all... hallelujah!!

How Cute is this?!

"Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!"

I ♥ Breakfast at Tiffany's!

Ma look what I made!!!

My Amazing gardens friends bring out the crafty in my... man I love them!! we got together today for craft day... we get together at least once a month... it turns out to be more often unofficially.... i love them dearly and their sweet babies!!!

Look at these handsome boys!!

these were kinda my fave

although these turned out pretty great too!!

All Good Things Have To Come To An END...

as i mentioned before... i started hanging out with this group of people... unfortunately its 2 girls and 2 boys.... anyway... i guess we've been spending too much time together cause i suggested we do something today and the person i mentioned it to said we didn't have to do something everyday... well that's put an end to it... i don't want to hang out anymore... they made me feel annoying ... like I'm forcing him to hang out... so I'm done.... i don't want to hang out anymore.... this is the exact reason why i didn't want to start hanging out in the first place... so from here on out I'm going to have plans every time he wants to do some thing... it helped me to realize how content i am with loneliness... it doesn't even feel that lonely... people are just so unreliable... they let me down too often... so I'm done with trying... good ridence...

black bean brownies?! (85 calories, 1g fat, 16g carbs, 4g protein)

Done! I'm trying this asap!!

http://happyherbivore.com/2009/05/vegan-blackbean-brownies/

coconut chicken curry....

I'd like to thank the Malagasy people for their contribution to worldwide cuisine... last night brad made us curry and man was it good!! after dinner we went and helped him bring in the horses from the pasture... it was fun... I got to sport waders(big black rubbery boots) good thing cause man was it muddy from the rain and snow... Jared got a pic but my phone is having a hard time retrieving it... after that we watched Clue... Amanda and I had a good time earlier talking... and we had lunch at Costa Vida which ended up not being the best idea for me... I sucked on Tums most the night... I'm just grateful for these peeps... its nice to have a hang out group... although this weekend Amanda will be home in carbon county.... and Jarhead(as I affectionately call him) will be in topaz with his cousin and cousin's wife... man I wish I could go... I like hiking and crystals.... I think I just might ask him to find me one and bring it to me... boo for weekend shifts... :( even though I realy like my job! :)

stadium of fire... good memories....

I was just thinking back a little of the time we've sent here in Utah... and I remembered that we've been to stadium of fire at least twice... the first time dad surprised us in 2003 for the Martina McBride one... it was great!!! Mommy, Britt, and Me really had started to like her then... (we later became friends with a girl who's family was reunited with her brother who was in Iraq at the time... we love Emily tons and are so glad she's part of our lives...) The next one we went to was in 2007 and Brooks & Dunn came... it was an AWESOME concert... I didn't realize I knew so many songs by them... it means even more now because they're retiring after 20 years... they did a tribute to them last night on TV and it was so great!!! man... I love country... it makes me happy and brings back so many happy rodeo summers... Thanks to my Daddy.... He's a pretty cool guy... its so silly that I forget sometimes.... ;)

There's things you need to hear So turn off your tears and listen...

This song cheers me up when I Need cheering... Take a Listen Maybe it'll do the same for you.... I love you Johnny Mayer!!

Rummy Up!!!

Last night we did games at my house... the usual crowd minus Nate... we played rummy up Uno and I really liked it!! I had lost all hope on games but with this new swell crowd I've started liking board games more and more.... tonight brad's make us curry... he served his mission in Madagascar.... (silly me keeps saying Morocco... they're totally different!! hell-oo!!) this new crew is pretty fun to be around... theres a little competitiveness when it comes to certain games but I'm so passive its not a super big deal... However its getting kinda old for Jared to win every dang time!! ;)

I LOVE The Gardens At Thanksgiving Point!! Today We Went for a walk Here's What We Saw...

Cute Babies

Beautiful Flowers

Like tulip-beds of different shape and dyes,
Bending beneath the invisible west-wind's sighs.
- Thomas Moore

orchid tulips

brilliant reds

Amazing red-orange

reds and yellows!

guh....

I hate on the mornings when I wake up... not necessarily in a bad mood but more in a sad/frustrated mood... feelings a little tender from the dreams of the nights sleep... its sucks to be ignored...I've felt ignored most my life.... whenever I do things as a group I always feel the least significant... I always have and I think I always pin it back to the same event... sure its about time for forgiving and forgetting... but its hard... something like that kinda leaves a scar.... I try not to consciously think about it but the fact is that I tend to secretly hold on to people that really mean a lot to me... but simultaneously I expect them to leave and it leaves me quite sad... all my life people have left me... and although I try to convince myself its for the best, it still stings a little... things always have turned out... but I want to feel like I matter... I want to embrace it... its not enough just to matter to my female friends... I want to matter to a man... for him to hang on my every word and want to protect me... I don't think its too much to ask... I really hope I'm not alone forever... or rather I know I wont be... I just want these insecurities to go away...

It Just doesnt Make Sense... I Should Be The Leading Lady Of My Own Life...

I hate How Often I Have Dreams Where I Don't Get the Guy... In the Latest the star man of my dream came after me(chasing/ Insisting in a Good way) then turns around and says love you more than you could understand but my place is with me girlfriend? WHAT?! It Just doesn't make sense... although my whole life I've felt like second choice... I guess its my own fault for seeing my self as such... maybe that will be one of the indicators for the man I marry(at least I hope it'll happen...I'm Trying to be realistic...) changing subjects... do you ever have dreams of the same places repeatedly? I do... I keep dreaming of the same house... its seems to have spirits dwelling there... not scary ones... but its a little scary for me at first then I figure out they're nice... its just an interesting dream... the house in my dream though is big... the parts I've seen are the long hall way, the bright kitchen(looks kind like a cross between grandma alley's and Aunt Nancy's but bigger and more open...) I also see like a landing... and stairs that lead down stairs... I think there's a den down there... anyway I think its kinda interesting that I visit the same places over and over in dreams...

*Sigh*...

today again I'm longing for the man that doesn't seem to exist... a chiseled jaw... a great personality... a sparkle in his eye... supportive... helps/lets me be me... completely in love with me... protective... spiritual... strong... Funny... I know you're out there... I think about you all the time... I hope you think of me too... even if we don't quite know each other yet... one day we will and we'll be together forever...

when you wish upon a star...

I cant figure out why... but I dream of "disneyland" at least one a month... it's more like the out side of it... I want to go in but never have enough money to do so... and when I do find enough there's not enough time... so it's not worth paying the amount... I love it enough to pay it... but I wish I had enough to do so... I want so badly to have enough money to go this summer... it's the place I feel the happiest... I'm hoping I get to honeymoon there... one day...

girls just wanna have fun...

so today i want out to lunch with whit and chynna... man are their babies cute... Mandi couldn't come with... cute Chloe was taking a nap... it was really fun... we went to chili's and had the bottomless soup, salad, chips and salsa... well worth the $6.45.... and we looked around at Kohl's for a bit... i love spending time with these girls... its super fun... I'm looking forward to joining the stroller brigade... it doesn't look likely anytime soon though... ;)

I think of you when ever life gets me down...

THANK GOODNESS for Music... I don't think I could make it through some of the ridiculous stuff thrown at me... A Find Frenzy and Paramore have become a big part of my life... there's a rather influential person in my life right now that isn't happy with me... she thinks I'm wasting my life... that I'm not doing anything produtive... thing is... its my life... and I'm the type of person that does things a little at a time... I spent too much time doing what they told me... letting them make my decisions for me... and now I'm 25 and I need to start doing what I want... I try not to be a burden but it doesn't work... I'm also very grateful for friends that make time to listen... sometimes they understand better than anyone can... even people that have been in your life for ever and think they know you... so here's to music, joy and good friends! Cheers!

ticket to ride...europe....

so last night and tonight we did a game night as a group... Amanda, brad, Jared and me have sort of formed a hang out group(since we live relatively close to one another) and occasionally a few extras join... last night we had game night at my house and Nate came... hes one of Jared's friends... hes pretty cool... we played settlers of Cattan... tonight we played ticket to ride Europe... i liked it... its definitely one we'll repeat... i'll be honest thought have a hard time with board games cause i don't really get that competitive and i hate playing with competative people... they ruin the whole experience....anyway it was quite fun.. i played the black pieces... and pretty much lost because i was so concerned with finishing my missions...apparently building is key...PS i love zupas.. we went there for dinner.... chicken BBQ Salas anf california turkey.. Yummy!

"Let's Be Real Here..."

I had a talk with my mom today... she's stressed out about me... she worries too much about what I do and don't do(I think it's starting to take a bit of a toll on her...oops my bad!) and shes concerned about my weight/health and afraid I'll end up alone forever... thing is I'm not as afraid of that as I used to be... sure its a little frustrating to think that I might be judge right off that bat... that I probably wont have a fighting chance... but at the same time I think I will... It's not like I have a crappy personality... I'm just a little feisty is all... some how even though things kinda suck right now... I know they aren't going to stay this way... To Be honest they aren't that bad... I boyfriend would be nice for company and a little assurance... but it wont be a fix all... I'll still have to face myself... my worst critic(we haven't been friends for a long time but I'm working on befriending her)...I'm working on fixing all of it... I mean REALLY FIXING it... I don't want my crap to carry on into any relationship I might have down that road... I rather wait 'til I'm 75 for my man than to marry whoever asks first just because marriage is the next expected step... I want to have the joy I've longed for and been searching for for a really long time... whats 50 years compared to eternity... true and real love is worth waiting for...

can you feel the burn?

Cause I can... I know I'm Out Of Shape... It's Not Like I can Pretend... lets be real here its evident to anyone... no amount of clothes cute or other wise could hide it... anyway I decided its time to do something about it... so I'm starting with baby steps... Today I Walked Around the house lifting 8lb weights... I didn't stop there... next I made a conscious effort to go down stairs to the "work-out room" and I lifted 35lbs with my legs but got a headache so I stopped... next I got on the tredmill, inclined it, and continued to lift weights while walking it... reality check!! I'm a fattie and if I don't stop, It WILL kill me...

6 months is nothing compared to eternity...

Today I went to meet with Bishop and we decided that I needed 6 more months to prepare... The thing is a want to be really ready for the Temple... There's things I still want to learn and understand... and a few other things I need to figure out... to be honest I was kinda sad... I even cried some... I really wanted to be endowed already... but I think I was rushing it for the wrong reasons... by no means am I down grading the importance of the temple... and I know it changes lives... but I was hoping that it would get the ball rolling in certain aspects of my life... I want to be really really ready though... I don't want to be taking it for granted... I know people that have gone through the motions and ended up not sticking with it... I want my faith in God to be sincere... bless my dear friend melody for being there with me to hold my hand... I was just a little embarrassed to tell people that I had decided to give myself more time...I think what i was most afraid of was telling my mom... But She Took it Better than i thought she might...I just haven't come to the understanding that The Lord Makes The impossible, Possible... I want to have true full hearted faith in Christ and Heavenly Father and his plan... I want to know for myself... I want to be good to go on every level... and I think that for that very reason I need more time... I need to figure this out... and though it makes me sad to have to wait I'm looking forward to this journey... to strengthen this heavenly bond... to learn to accept this father's love... I feel like my whole life I've been left here and there by this and that person... people that I truly cared about... I've Felt so hurt that I think I made myself become numb in hopes of protecting myself... it didn't really fix the problem... it just made it harder to get rid of the soul gunk... and degunking one's soul is easier when you're honest with your self... so thats what I'm working on... a want a gunk free life...

dreams...

so growing up(more Like Senior Year...) we moved to Utah... i was pretty ready for a change.... and the first week to our highland ward we made friends... they were mostly guys... two of them became my best friends... (i think they mostly liked to some eat our food... hehe ;) ) anyway... one of them i was super in love with... and because of that i would tell him anything... except for how much i loved him...i was there for him through so many things... and even though he tried to be the same for me he never really was.... he went on his mission and I wrote him quite often...he started calling me pet names and telling me he loved me etc...then one day his mom told me not to write him anymore... I'm pretty sure it was 3 months before he was to come home...then he came home (i wasn't able to see him for a few days...)then he left to go to school, met a girl. was convinced she was "the One"(she had the whole family's approval, unlike me) married her... they got pregnant right away... i warned him that if he got married our friendship would be over... one of our friends tried to convince me to come to the reception and i refused and didn't... not even 2 years later here i am helping him through his divorce... but its different this time... I'm not as committed and focused as i was before... my family would love it if i married him... but i don't want it anymore... its just not the same... i don't feel the same... hes a good guy but i want something different... last night i had a dream that he asked me to consider dating him... i didn't want to but i started to try and i realized that to him i was always second best... he never treated me the way he did girls he thought were attractive... i don't want to be the unattractive wife... i just feel too differently... too in a way resentful... maybe its more like hurt... i gave him everything and it didn't matter... what bothered me most about the dream is that he was nice and held my hand and all that but when it came to other women he would open doors for them etc... the point of the story is that as much as i want an eternal family and a baby... i don't want whatever falls into my lap... I want the best i can get... i want to be seen even when I'm invisible...

Its all about your heart....

I don't mind your odd behavior
it's the very thing I savor
If you were an ice cream flavor
You would my favorite one
My imagination sees you
Like a painting by Van Gogh
Starry nights and bright sunflowers
Follow you where you may go
Oh I've loved you from the start
In every single way
And more each passing day
You are brighter than the stars
Believe me when I say
It's not about your scars
It's all about your heart...
You're a butterfly held captive
Small and safe in your cocoon
Go on you can take your time,
Time is said to heal all wounds...
Oh I've loved you from the start
In every single way
And more each passing day
You are brighter than the stars
Believe me when i say its not about your scars...
It's all about your heart...
Like a lock with out a key
Like a mystery with out a clue
There's no me if I can not have you...
Oh I've loved you from the start
In every way and more each passing day
You are brighter than the stars
Believe me when I say its not about your scars...
It's all about your heart...

I just cant tell you enough how much I love this song and the Mormon message its on...

http://rhbdesigns.blogspot.com/2010/03/love-this-song-all-about-your-heart-by.html

sigh... relaxation...

Saturday turned out better than anticipated.... I've started hanging out with some new friends... Brad and Jared(who i affectionately call jar-head)they are the coolest guys... Friday we went to dinner at red robin... and Saturday(yesterday?) we went to the food court at university mall and then to a concert at Velour... Jami and Justin came with...(i spent most the day with Jami)the middle opening act was not our favorite the busted out a kid xylophone thing and some weird orange noise making toy that was supposed to be like a synthesizer.... the person we went to go see was jennifer Blosil... she's awesome especially love!! after we went to denny's... lots of laughs and fun....the drummer in Blosil's band looked familiar... i think he was one of my brother in-law's companions on his mission... not a bad looking kid tell ya what... i also got to burn a few new CDs thanks to Jami!...

I hope this cheers you up as much as it did me...

I know I sound like such a mope... sorry for inviting you to my pity party... in any case here's something happier... I heard of this sweet singer
on this blog





I keep mentioning her because every time I read her blog or watch her video... it reminds me that life is beautiful and gives me hope... hope that life will only get better.... :)

trying to make it better...

I found a song that describes kinda what I'm going through... this phrase sums it up.."Such pain as this Shouldn't have to be experienced I'm still reeling from the loss Still a little bit delirious, yeah Near to you, I am healin' But it is takin' so long..." I'm trying to get my life in order to go through the temple but its hard some days... i know part of this weight gain has to do with some of the emotional/ psychological crap I've insisted on holding on to for years... there are a few "key" people in my life that mean well with their "constructive criticism" but its done nothing but made things worse... I'm my own worse critic but to have outsiders chime in only makes me feel smaller... i dream of the day when this all leaves me... I've been promised a happy and beautiful life... but some days are hard than others to see that... skinny doesnt seem like the answer... but smaller than this definitely does... there's a girl i know and shes pretty fit and not entirely bad looking but her personality isnt that great and so she constantly finds herself alone... i think ive become kind of hermit because i dont want to morph into that but at the same time the bitterness creeps in a little bit more everyday... 25, fat, living at home, and alone...

its a fat day again...

I know we all know I'm a full time fat girl... its not like I can hide it... and its not like i want to flaunt it... its not something im proud of...I'm glad I at least have the luxury of having a tolerable face... but even that doesn't seem to get me many places... i hate days like this when i feel completely hopeless... and its not like i can talk to anyone on earth about it... most people just say "then do something about it..." its easier said than done... i want results now... i want to feel pretty now... its not a matter of finding a mate... i'm over that search... i just want to feel little and dainty and worth looking at... i know i sound completely shallow but this has bothered me my entire life... I've gotten crap for it my entire life...I've tried it all though... HCG, south beach, atkins... etc.... i always quit and get a lecture from my mom... i just like food dang-it... and exercise isn't my fave... unfortunately its the only way to get anywhere... ill admit sometimes i crave the soreness that comes after a good work out... i crave the burn that come from a good spin class... but i HATE gasping for air... i hate it a lot!!!

...That's the point. The guy I dreamed of doesn't exist...

Sometimes it certainly can feel that way...I cant even remember what it is that I'm looking for... maybe its a good idea to write it down... like a shopping list... one of the things that keeps coming up is courage/the feeling of safety ie a protector... and confidence... confidence is super important...I want him to be smooth but sincere...and funny... rally funny... and thoughtful... not super cheesy... and i think thats all i have to say about it...

I Love vintage!!! the 50's...

I Wish i was built to fit in those kinds of dresses... so pretty and danty...i caen across this blog through my dear friend Kat....

http://freelancersfashion.blogspot.com/


Kat Too Has a blog... i ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!! and she also has an etsy shop...


http://www.fritzimarie.com/

http://www.etsy.com/shop/fritzimarie

timing is everything...

yesterday i met one of my friend Jami's best friends Lizzie... we're triplets separated at birth... hahah.... she shared an interesting quote with us... " It's Better to marry the right person at the wrong time than the wrong person at the right time..." i think i have to agree with that... too often I realize things after the fact... for example... my timing with being interested in someone is totally off... when they like me I'm so not down with it... when I finally come around they're over it... and it used to bother me... but it doesn't anymore... everything truly happens for a reason... lately I've been a total mopey whiner... and the other day when I finally decided to get over myself I realized I'm where I'm supposed to be... especially job wise... sure the up selling sucks sometimes but that's the only real way to keep a company going... but helping people... I love it... I love suggesting books to people that will help them...even if its to escape somewhere in a book... I've been trying to prepare to go through the temple... Its funny how when you decide to do something so meaningful and important Satan brings out the big guns to come after you... to stop you from turning to the Lord... he goes after the ghost of your sins and tries to haunt you with them... luckily this time around I'm armed too... I came upon this great little book called believing Christ. its by Stephen E Robinson. in it he talks about how people believe in Christ but they don't believe Christ...the atonement covers us all... it makes it so the we as uncelestial beings can become celestial...it cleans us up now....and for that I'm grateful!! in preparing for the temples i also found this sweet little gem of talks on CD but S. Michael Wilcox... i think its called house of glory... I'm on the second talk but the first talk was about symbolism... how in the temple there's a lot of symbolism... and the reason for that is that different things have different meanings for people at different times in their lives...we each interpret things differently and that brings sparks of insight to us... he used baptism as an example... to some its a rebirth, to others its a bath, and to others it a burial of one's sins.... and in truth its all three... ill keep you posted on the other things I learn...

seriously?!

i wish i would of learned how to use this blogger crap sooner... apparently i have 3 blogs... if i knew how to combined them i would....

here are my other 2...(LaME!)

http://aquaflipflops5.blogspot.com/
http://aquaflipflops.blogspot.com/

nie nie dialogues... i think this is one of the most amazing ladies ever... i just might have to meet her one day....

I just had to tell you about this woman... her "Mormon Message" video on youtube really touched me...( I cry every time I watch it) i was having a rough week and one of my sweet friends from work posted it(Candy I love you!) i really liked the line in the beginning where she says " I am Stephanie Neilson and I am not my body..." the quote means something different to me though because all of my life I've struggled with self worth... it was in grained in me(possibly unintentionally) that skinny=desirable/beautiful.... anyway I just really admire this lady... she's so strong and beautiful....I Want to have that kind of faith and love when I grow up...





http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHDvxPjsm8E&feature=player_embedded

Things I'd Like To do Before I Take The Next Step... & Also Things I've Been Lucky Enough to see/do

ok....

People I'd Like to see in concert...

~ Paramore

~A Fine Frenzy

~ Michael Buble

~ Jack Johnson

~ Adele

~ Ingrid Michaelson

~Joshua Radin

I'm sure there's more to come....

People I've been lucky enough to see in concert....

~Dashboard Confessionals (Jamboree Music Festival September 2007)

~The Format(8 September 2007)

~ Secondhand Serenade(July 25, 2009)

~Paramore(but I didnt know how much i loved them then.... warp tour '07 she sang born for this)

~ Red Jump Suit Apparatus(warp tour'07...07/07/07 to be exact)

~ Yellow Card(warp tour'07)

~The early November(take action tour'06)

~Matchbook Romance(take action tour'06)
~Chiodos(take action tour'06)
~Amber Pacific(take action tour'06)
~We Are The Fury(take action tour'06)

~ Neon Trees(various times before they were famous and a completely different band)

~Iron & Wine(twilight concert series '09)

Places I want to go to...

*France

*Italy

*Hawaii

*Florida

*Washington

*Colorado

*Georgia

(basically I'd like to visit all 50 states at least once)

*Mount Rushmore for the 4th of July

Places Ive been...

-Oahu( I loved north shore!)

-Arizona(I really liked scottsdale)

-California(heck i grew up there)

- Colorado(but grand junction doesnt really count...)

-Nevada(Las Vegas)

-Wyoming(Yellow Stone and Jackson Hole i need to go again though)

-Idaho(Rexberg, Driggs, Idaho Falls)